Closing chapter

I.... will be stopping this blog...

Wont be deleting it, cause im too lazy to copy and paste this stuff.
But I want to keep it so that i may refer here for the lessons ive learnt.

What i had originally intended to be a cheerful blog of my random thoughts turned into a cesspool of emotional turmoil.....so there goes that plan.

But on the up side, ive got a new blog going at crasong.blogspot.com

Perhaps this time i will have something i little more true to myself rather than posting the dwellings of a bitter boy.

The healing, the hurting

Hmm... blogging right in front of everyone... though i really couldnt care.
This page is the jotter book of my soul now... no longer the dialogue it once was... but ill leave the name of the place for sake of nostalgia...

With this... i am now sitting here... wondering once more what my worth is in life...
everything just seems so senseless now.

This feeling of mine... im just so inadequate now... my belief in myself is shaken down to the ground...

This sinking feeling... god i hate how i cant conquer it this time...

Feel like finding a new identity in Canada or something, start a fresh new life or something...

A stroll down memory lane

Tried to go through with my promise today... its harder than i thought...
Even though i have made my peace, my heart has yet to accept the reality and move on.

Its really not anyones fault... its just that ive been alone, with nobody i could live for but myself.
And, in all honesty, being a loner is just not in me... a partner is what i long for... and somehow
i feel like i screwed up somewhere along the way to be in the position im in.

The aching just wont stop...
And i thought id be okay to solve it with patience, but its harder than i thought.

I was walking home from orchard road... and realised i was walking through Leonie Hill... past the place where she used to live... and looking up at that building, memories and thoughts just flashed through my mind...

I broke down there and then... walking speed slowing to a crawl, my heart made me the heaviest in the world. I felt like my soul had come to recognise the pain from the gaping hole in my heart and soul, and the pain was unbearable.

The longing wont stop, and the aching begs on... im alone in this wide world... and feeling very cold.

A little polish, on these old shoes...

So today, which is officially like every other day, has given me my second unofficial failure in the love life. Unofficial cuz, no way in hell am i gonna tell em to the world =)

First of which would have been your typical childhood best friend that i was hoping to get back in touch with, but wouldnt you know it, the truth that was kept from me for those 5 years of my 10 year crush made sure i had no chance there whatsoever, but shes got a man to call her own for now, happy for her =) and all the best in your life, when you can, drop by for a chat now and then.

Second, which would be my first actual confession. No she was not a rebound, but when you have a good friend and hang out, who could blame me for having feelings? Well, i didnt want a silent movie like the first time, and so i said it this time, fessed up, and asked if my love would be returned. Its another one sided dream so it would seem, this time im a younger brother to her. No, i didnt cry, hah, for reasons being that i was expecting a no, i just needed to hear the words from her mouth so the voices in my head would stop daydreaming. Sucks when your gut feeling is always right... was even right about the prescence of another guy. Jolly good show and all that.

hmm.... ive made my peace with all this for now... maybe someday... there will be a female human out there who would gladly come into my life to sweep me off my feet.

I would love her, and she would want to be in my arms just as much as her wanting me in hers...

Hey, what can i say? im your average mushy lovey dovey devoted guy, with bonus of added wit and loyalty, and the ability to not cry if you say no to being my girl.

Sometimes i wonder... if im one of those guys who will have so many rejections, and all of them say "i trust you a lot and everything.... you're the nicest guy around.....but you arent a guy id go out with..."

Too nerdy? Too nice? Too.....i dunno what?

Im as dissapointed as the next rejected guy, but i can say ive made my peace, and for the girls who would choose another, i wish em all the happiness and luck...

Maybe ill just get a small flat in the future, and have a pet dog, a chow chow would be nice...

All id need is a fridge of bacon n eggs with cheese n milk n cereals, a normal stove, a custom computer rig, my laptop, a wall mounted tv with a decent console, and a huge comfy couch.

Thats all i ask for in the least dear god... if my lucks bad with women, just grant me at least that much...

P.S: it'd be nice if you could include highspeedbroadband, stable if you please...

The song of self-demoralization

Hmm......certain things have gone on since my last post......
All Ive learnt is.

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out the door
She's running out
She run run run run...
run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...

Hi...

Party time....
bartendingardenationalityard.

Once Upon a Time.....

There was a peaceful village of hunters. They all hunted peacefully, all of them friends, going out into the forest frequently. There were two particular Hunters, Joe and Jake, and they were good friends, sharing their wisdoms with one another on cold snowy nights over a roasting boar.

Eventually, their hunting group grew in numbers, with more members joining them each time they went out to hunt. Soon the group was a full one, and Joe and Jake were surrounded by new friends.

Joe, being a less outgoing hunter than Jake, eventually found himself quite lonely during the hunts and celebrations after hunting. Jake was popular, and was never left alone, talking and making friendly.

One night, Joe manages to talk to Jake in private, telling him how he felt about being left out. Jake on the other hand begs to differ, and claims that whenever he turns to look at Joe, Joe is always surrounded by others in conversation. But what Jake didnt know is that Joe was merely having empty conversation with the other hunters, as he was merely more knowledgeable in certain things.

Joe and Jake clear up the misunderstanding, as Jake tells Joe that he too wishes to talk to Joe at times, just never managing to find time.

And so Joe changes his ways, and ensures at times that Jake would be able to talk to him. However, things remain the same, and Jake still does not talk to Joe, and continues being surrounded by company, whereas Joe remains alone.

In fact, despite having said that he would like to talk to Joe, Jake remains oblivious to Joes hints on trying to get Jakes attention, and gets ignored, and sometimes Jake even looks annoyed with Joe, and obviously does not wish to converse with him.

Joe is deeply saddened by this, and is confused as with what to do.

Now he spends his days, packless, with no true group nor partner with which he can hunt freely with and talk with.

Moral of this story? how should i know?

Peace out, Joe.